“Is this relationship going in the right direction?”
“Do you see any future with me?”
“Are we ready to live together?”
“Will you marry me?”
From first flirtations to wedding bells, advancing in a relationship can be as much exciting as it is daunting.
Now, let us examine why this may be so. When commitment grows, the romantic facade of love may start to dwindle. When there are no concrete pledges and no overt expectations, then the world ahead of you is open, giving you and your loved one a feel for freedom. Options are aplenty left, and the present moment is filled with hopeful opportunities. The wish for more takes you out of this present moment and into the future.
Also Read : My Partner And I Experienced Premarital Counseling And It Was Remarkable
Well, the future sometimes appears in a discouraging way due to its uncertainty; however, making plans lends a beautiful sense of security to the relationship, where unspoken needs, boundaries, and dreams are made clear. You are both aligned to what’s next and what you mean to each other. But how can someone know if they are ready to turn their dreams into reality?
Here are four questions to ask your partner so that, when the time comes, you know your relationship is healthy and ready for the next step.
Are Both of You Truly Ready?
There’s this thing, in dating, called the ‘relationship escalator.’ A couple follows societal directions significant relational steps. It’s less about the true feelings felt and more about achieving societal checkpoints of a good, valid relationship.
The relationship escalator goes in this order: to date, to live together, to get married, to purchase a home, and to have children; this usually lasts until one of them has passed away. This works for some, while others get entrapped into this kind of progress by being caught in unsatisfying relationships.
They may think that they want such a future, but it is actually the story that they need—the partner who will affirm their desirability, the children who will be badges of success, the house to say they have truly arrived, and the lifestyle to post on social media.
Stepping off the escalator right now, discuss what should come next. Consider why—not should or when. It shouldn’t be a question of practicality, such as moving in together because it will save on bills or marrying because one is getting old. Don’t do it because it looks good on paper or meets family expectations. These reasons are not made to last. Do it because you are genuinely, deeply in love and cannot imagine life without your partner. At least that’s the very minimum you deserve.
Do You Have Proven Trust and Attunement?
We humans are creatures of pattern. If you’re thinking of moving to the next level, ask yourself if your partner has demonstrated a consistent fulfillment of your needs, and in times of conflict, is capable of putting the well-being of the relationship first. This will let you understand his or her partnering skill based on demonstrated action, not potential. After all, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Consider the principles of attunement: the skill in aligning with another to establish heartfelt understanding. When you are operating attuned, you’re coordinated on many levels: listening, touch, affective dialogue, physical effort, and mutual transparency—intimacy, if you will. How your partner keeps doing so tells it all.
This won’t make them a better partner through marriage or having children; that’s too big a risk to take. When you are attuned, you have really taken your time to understand each other’s experiences—time to negotiate the same goals on the same timeline. You get each other on almost no words because you’re fluent in their emotional language.
Do You Feel At Home With Each Other?
If you want a sign that says, “Your love is going long haul,” then feel known by a partner. There won’t be a desire to pretend or play a part or fix or hide anything from them. You can be your real, quirky self. If all of your parts are unconditionally accepted, it won’t feel scary to be seen.
It’s because of its very exposure that a romantic relationship can be the most huge amplifier for personal growth. Your patterns, your emotional wounds, and your secret behaviors are all naked and bare. There’s no hiding anywhere. To take the next step isn’t just about moving in together and therefore merging your interior design tastes; it’s also about a huge step toward self-intimacy and the vulnerability belonging to being witnessed by another.
When you feel quite assured that you are fully known and loved by each other, that’s a very good indication that your relationship is ready to press in deeper. See, this level of emotional honesty births safety into the relationship. You know you are at home with one another because you are valued for who you are, not for what you do. That releases performance pressure and lets you rest and be healed in their presence.
Can the Relationship Handle the Disappointment?
Of course, you don’t want to disappoint them if you don’t have to. But it’s impossible never to let them down. If you tiptoe around hurting their feelings, never to learn talking when you are frustrated, insecure, or vexed, then you will never be honest with them. You gotta let your relationship sustain short-term discomfort to avoid self-abandonment and inauthentic behaviors in the long term.
Still confused? Ask these questions about both partners:
Do you have a healthy distress tolerance?
Are you able to communicate constructively?
Can you disagree lovingly?
If you’ve hurt your partner, can you reflect and change?
If the answer to all these is yes, then it surely says emotional maturity, able to move through the challenges as your fullest selves. It also explains that one can identify emotional differences between those you need to process alone—knowing that not every feeling needs to be acted upon—and those which should be addressed for a much healthier relationship.
If they’re going to be upset and you are afraid to cause them discomfort, you’ll be holding back from sharing your candid opinions. If that’s the case, it might be too early to move forward. Work on your distress tolerance levels before you promise more.
Imagine how difficult it will be when you are completely merged in life and there isn’t any scope for emotional avoidance. These conversations are hard, but feeling resentment and injustice is much harder. Or worse, losing yourself in the relationship.
More than anything, it is important to learn how to be compassionately honest without suppressing your true thoughts and emotions for the building of inner and outer confidence. Your body will start to trust you as its best advocate since you will no longer be a traitor.
Remember
There is no golden rule for taking the next step. You can make spreadsheets, and you can go to loads of relationship therapy, and you can do every preventative measure in the book, but no amount of that will protect you from the fact that it’s just a wild, messy, crazy thing to do: to commit to a life with another person.
At some point, you’ve just got to do what feels right for your relationship. Be sure that you will grow into a person who’ll emerge unscathed against whatever the future may be, so trust your heart. Love what you know, and trust what you do not. After all, change is the only constant in the universe.
- The Relationship Escalator. What Is The Relationship Escalator?
- Attunement Guild. Learn more about attunement as an energy medicine practice.